thorninmyside

Join us for more Wordful Wednesday at 7 Clown Circus.

When I look at pictures of myself (and resisting the urge to compare the image to Cindy Crawford or Heidi Klum), it is more recent pictures where I feel I look healthy.  Take picture 1 for instance:

I was eighteen and was enjoying my first Mother’s day.  Yes, I started a little young.  The problem is that I was thinner than I am now and was five months pregnant with my second son.  I had an issue with food (not eating it) that was not healthy.

Picture 2- I look better physically than I do now but I was working 50+ hours a week, skipping meals, not dealing with emotional issues and I believe it was this lifestyle and way of coping that has brought me to the health situation I am in now.

Now, picture three.  I wish my face was not as round and I weighed 15-20 lbs. less.  But, emotionally and physically speaking I am doing better now than ever.  So, to me this is what the healthy Melissa looks like.  And, by goodness, with the focus I am putting on taking care of my mind, body and soul in the upcoming year- the Cindy’s and Heidi’s of this world better look out

Today’s theme for Thankful Thursday is the precious words found in the Bible. Join us at Grace Alone for more TT posts.

One of the things I value the most is peace.  Peace in our hearts, particularly during difficult circumstances, only comes from a relationship with Christ.  Here is one of my favorite verses about peace:  Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you.  I do not give peace to you as the world gives.  Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27 NIV

And here is another of my favorites- short, sweet and what a promise!  Thanks be to God!  He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  I Corinthians 15: 57 NIV

I don’t know about you but I am so thankful for victory!  The victory that comes through a relationship with Jesus.  The victory over depression, chronic pain, fear, pity parties- all of that is avalable to us through Christ and for that I am soooo thankful!

Be Blessed, my friends!

Sorry for my absence the last few weeks.  With the craziness of the holidays something had to give and blogging it was.  But, I am back and excited to share my healthy resolutions for 2009.  You can view my recommendations for setting realistic goals/resolutions at my business site, Organized Life by Design. 

In I Corinthians 6:19,20 we are reminded that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit and that one of our purposes in this life is to honor God with our bodies.  I have to admit that I thought much less about that pre-diagnosis than I do now.  Cause and effect has played a large role in that.  Researching the links between foods that can actually cause inflammation in your body has helped me avoid such foods.  My CRP (c-reactive protein) levels have responded.  Eliminating foods that contribute to high cholesterol has kept me off of cholesterol reducing meds (so far).  Participating in the Feldenkrais method of physical therapy has reduced my pain and improved my balance tremendously.

When you see visible improvements you’d have to be pretty dense not to want to continue the things that are causing said improvements.  And I pride myself on my lack of density LOL.  So, I thought a lot about my health goals.  Next Thursday (which is also my 30th birthday, BTW) is the one year anniversary of my diagnosis.  It took my awhile to rid myself of the denial and then a little longer to consent to treatment and then even a little longer to take my health seriously.  And, I am feeling better.  So, my goals reflect the desire to continue on this path of wellness- mind, spirit and body. 

***Drum roll, please!

1. Take a daily nap.
2. Increase physical activity (mall walking, exercise bike, continue PT)
3. Maintain a healthy diet and eat three meals a day (no skipping)
4. Reduce amount of meds that I am on
5. Be grateful for the health that I do have and take any setbacks that may come in stride=
6. Keep a positive outlook and attitude!

So, what are your health goals this year?  Do you think I left any out?   Feel free to share!

For more Thankful Thursday posts click here.  The theme for today is random.  As you know if you read this blog regularly (and if you don’t how come? LOL) Isaiah 58 is my life chapter.  And so I want to thank God for some of the promises in that chapter today.

This is a chapter full of conditional promises.  God tells us what we need to do and even tells us what will happen in return if we are willing to do that. 

v. 6 says loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke.  The word yoke in this context means bondage.  Wow, when I think of how many of us that live with chronic illness are dealing with different issues of bondage, whether it be pain, depression, loneliness, despair, disability or all of the above, it is so awesome to also know that we can be set free.  But, this promise doesn’t say to set yourself free and you will be healed.  We are to focus on others, that is the call of Isaiah 58 and the conditional promise from God is that when we do that, when we spend ourselves on others, then our healing will quickly appear (v.8).  This healing refers not just to our physical ailments but more importantly the healing of our spiritual infirmities.

I am thankful for the fact that through my illness I have learned I would much rather be set free from my spiritual illnesses than any physical ailment.  I have been healed on the inside by the Great Physician and that is what I am thankful for this beautiful Thursday.

When you are living with someone that has limitations due to a chronic illness it can be tempting to attempt to control their behavior.  I don’t think people do this out of ill will or the intention of being upsetting but it is.  I hate when my hubby lovingly reminds me that I shouldn’t eat that piece of cheesecake because of my high cholesterol.  That I should really use my wheelchair at the mall because if I don’t I will be tired.  That I should wear a coat because of the cold temperatures outside.

Let’s establish a fact.  I am a woman, not a child.  My husband knows that.  But, he cares about me and worries about me.  Most of the time that warms my heart and makes me love him even more.  But, it is the holidays.  I may make the choice to eat a piece of cheesecake or stay up late watching holiday movies.

My advice to caregivers and spouses is to let us do that.  99% of the year I do what the doctors want me to do.  I eat bland food, I rest, take naps, use my wheelchair on outings to preserve my energy, etc., etc., etc.  But, my entire life I have loved Christmas time so if I want to make an applesauce cake and actually eat a piece- let me be.

If I want to go outdoors in just a sweater and scarf so I don’t feel overheated- let me be.

If I want to go to the company Christmas party and stay up late- let me be.

I am completely aware of the consequences of bending the rules and have probably made a back-up plan to deal with such.  Whether it be taking a longer nap the next day or going back to my fat free taste free diet January 2nd.  But, for now, in the interest of a peaceful and enjoyable holiday season- please let me be.  It is the best gift you can give this holiday season!

I can’t find my bleepin’ (oops, had an Illinois governor moment LOL) keys- AGAIN.  Now, I know that many of you that don’t live with a chronic illness can relate to this but those of you that do can relate on a completely different level.  Brain “fog” as this symptom of many chronic illnesses is known,  is my most frustrating symptom on a personal level.  I feel like I can’t trust myself to remember things that used to come naturally, such as my son’s orthodontist appointment or where the heck I put my keys, shoes- you name it.

I am a professional organizer by trade so I have incorporated tried and true methods to help me remember, much like I would suggest to a client that struggles with attention deficit issues.  Yet, here I sit.  Typing a blog post instead of driving to Bible study because I can’t find my bleepin’ keys.

I prayed and resolved myself to the fact that since it is freezing rain outside maybe I am not supposed to be driving today.  God knows my stubborn nature and knows that hiding my keys is probably the only way to keep me at home today. Or, I’m losing it. I prefer the first option.

Cognitive impairment (I prefer brain fog) occurs in approximately 50-60 percent of people with multiple sclerosis (www.nmss.org).  It manifests itself through issues with short term memory, information processing and executive functioning abilities.  Executive functioning are those mundane, everyday things like being able to balance a checkbook, shop from a list, locate your bleepin’ keys. 

The pre-frontal cortex of your brain (the frontal lobes that comprise the cerebrum) is responsible for these executive functioning and cognitive tasks.  This part of the brain also controls learning, behavior and judgement.

Other symptoms like fatigue, nutritional deficiencies, etc. can exacerbate the cognitive issues associated with MS.  And environmental and external pressures like stress (it is the holiday’s) can also worsen cognitive symptoms.

Does any of this make me feel any better?  Actually, yes.  Knowledge is power and being educated about the disease process that affects you is key to maintaining a realistic outlook on your situation.  I don’t need to sit here and beat myself up about the fact that I have lost my keys again.  I can chalk it up to a myriad of the issues mentioned above and actually chuckle that at least I have an excuse (since some of my friends have similar issues and no illness to blame it on LOL).

And, if brain fog or any other symptom does get you down from time to time (we are human and I for one tend to be emotional at times) then just remember the words to this song by Steven Curtis Chapman.  The lyrics came to my mind while I was frantically looking for my keys and are frequently of comfort to me:

His strength is perfect when my strength is gone

He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on

Raised in His power, the weak become strong

His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.

His grace is sufficient~Melissa

Have you been there?  That room is spinning while you are standing still feeling that brings with it a wave of nausea and difficulty figuring out where you are in space.  Yes, vertigo is not a good feeling. 

Vertigo can have different causes.  For most people, the problem is in the inner ear.  All of the movement in your body registers in your inner ear.  When the inner ear is getting conflicting signals, vertigo results.  For people like me, vertigo is neurological.  This is trickier to treat but it is still possible.

There are different options for treating vertigo- many are similar to the treatments for motion sickness.  Technically treating the symptoms but effective nonetheless. My doctor prescribed Meclizine.  Although this makes you very tired (doesn’t everything? LOL) it is effective in treating the nausea that can be associated with a vertigo attack.

There are other things you can do to treat/avoid a vertigo attack.  Avoid foods that can upset your stomach.  A natural remedy for nausea is ginger.  I usually have hard ginger candy to pop in my mouth if I am in a setting where taking my Meclizine won’t work (remember, it makes me very sleepy).  Closing my eyes makes the feeling worse so I naturally avoid that. Stairs, riding in the car, standing up suddenly are all things that can trigger an attack as well.

Do you suffer from vertigo?  Share how you cope with us!

Okay, so most people are able to go get an MRI and go home.  Not me!  First of all, I am claustrophobic.  Now this issue can come in varying degrees.  For me, it comes in a claw my way out, think my heart is going to race out of my chest, break into a cold sweat and cry my eyes out kinda way.  So, it is necessary to give me a little something to relax me before I can go near an MRI machine.

In addition, because the most accurate look at the brain is in a closed MRI machine and a closed MRI is how they monitor the progression of my MS and the status of a venous angioma, I spend some time in said machine.  My doctor is a kind human being, especially to the MRI technicians, and gives me enough sedatives to render me unconscious.  That means it takes a village, not to raise a child, but to get me through an MRI.

My friend, Noelle, picked me up at 8am, got me dressed with little assistance from my very doped up self and drove me the 65 miles to the MRI place.  There my grandparents met her to help get me out of the car and into the waiting room.  I sign my name (this of course I do not remember) on a consent form (now, really should you be signing your name on a consent of any kind when you don’t know where you are or what you are there for?).  Then they transfer my limp self to a wheelchair, then to a stretcher and put me in the MRI machine (after strapping my head down and closing the helmet like device on it).  It is knowing that my head gets strapped down that makes me extra thankful I am so out of it.  Then they put you in the tube, the machine makes loud scary noises that my brain somehow integrates into the happy drug induced dreams I am having, they bring me out of the machine, give me a shot of contrast, put me back in the torture tube, take some more pictures of my brain and I am done. 

Said support team gets me back out to the car where I spend the trip home sleeping off the meds.  Again, so thankful for the ability to sleep through anything with the help of medication. And, I am sure the techs and my family/friends are extra thankful too :-)  Results will be in mid month.

I have had a difficult week.  I am frustrated with my doctors, frustrated with my body, frustrated with my life and if I am completely honest I am even frustrated with God.  Sometimes you just get tired of hearing bad news.  I would like to go to the doctor and get some good news.  I’d like to get good labs back.  But that is apparently not the path for me right now and I have been getting downright depressed and yucky about it.

A sad but true phenomenon that takes place when I get frustrated with life is that I tend to distance myself from God.  This should be counter-intuitive to me by now.  God is the only one that can give me the strength to continue on this journey, yet I run from and avoid Him when things are not going my way.

Because, really, that is what it boils down to.  I don’t like my circumstances.  I wish they were different.  I wish God would take this cup from me but He is choosing not to.  And that needs to be okay with me or I am going to feel like this a lot. 

2 Corinthians 4:7-18 brought me comfort today.  When I was crying out to God- “where are you?”, He answered with these verses.  It boils down to the truth I know in my heart- it is when we are weak that He is strong.  I am feeling hard pressed by continued health issues and restrictions- He promises I will not be crushed.  I am perplexed and looking for the answers to questions that may not be answered this side of Heaven- He promises I will not be given over to despair.  I feel persecuted and betrayed by my own body, I feel like no one else understands what I go through- He promises not to abandon me.  I feel struck down by fatigue, pain, depression, brain fog- He promises  I will not be destroyed.  And though outwardly I certainly feel like I am a waste, I can be renewed internally by His loving compassion and mercy.  I just have to accept it.    Why is that so hard?

When I was first diagnosed, my initial reaction was “whatever”.  I am fine, the doctors are wrong and this “MonSter” (as those of us living with MS sometimes refer to it as) is not going to affect my life.  It is kinda funny because I had spent months wondering what was wrong with me and when I finally get an answer, I wanted to pretend I didn’t hear right. 

I quickly learned that denial does not serve your general well being.  Because when you are pretending you don’t have a problem, then it is really difficult to create solutions.  It really took me a few months to get out of my own way so that I could be open and receptive to the treatments and lifestyle changes that were going to benefit me.  Not that I am proud of it, but it took me six months to agree to go on MS treatment after I was diagnosed.  Starting those injections was like stripping away the last bit of denial that I was clinging to and stepping full force into accepting that I have a permanent illness.

Once you allow the denial to fade and can accept the reality of your situation, you will find that you are not as scared.  Denial is a protective response when we are feeling fear and resisting change.  But, you can’t face your fear and confront fear with facts until you remove denial from the equation. 

Shedding your denial can be done in phases, or all at once, like ripping off a bandaid.  Sometimes, we hold onto denial because we fear we will be overwhelmed by all the decisions, information, choices, opinions, etc. that we have been afraid to face.  It is importan to remember that you are in charge of your healthcare journey.  You only have to absorb as much at a time as you are comfortable with.

So, this holiday season while you are hopefully surrounded by friends and family, try shedding some of your denial.  Figure out what is under the denial and walk through it.  It is not as scary as you think!