thorninmyside

I have had a difficult week.  I am frustrated with my doctors, frustrated with my body, frustrated with my life and if I am completely honest I am even frustrated with God.  Sometimes you just get tired of hearing bad news.  I would like to go to the doctor and get some good news.  I’d like to get good labs back.  But that is apparently not the path for me right now and I have been getting downright depressed and yucky about it.

A sad but true phenomenon that takes place when I get frustrated with life is that I tend to distance myself from God.  This should be counter-intuitive to me by now.  God is the only one that can give me the strength to continue on this journey, yet I run from and avoid Him when things are not going my way.

Because, really, that is what it boils down to.  I don’t like my circumstances.  I wish they were different.  I wish God would take this cup from me but He is choosing not to.  And that needs to be okay with me or I am going to feel like this a lot. 

2 Corinthians 4:7-18 brought me comfort today.  When I was crying out to God- “where are you?”, He answered with these verses.  It boils down to the truth I know in my heart- it is when we are weak that He is strong.  I am feeling hard pressed by continued health issues and restrictions- He promises I will not be crushed.  I am perplexed and looking for the answers to questions that may not be answered this side of Heaven- He promises I will not be given over to despair.  I feel persecuted and betrayed by my own body, I feel like no one else understands what I go through- He promises not to abandon me.  I feel struck down by fatigue, pain, depression, brain fog- He promises  I will not be destroyed.  And though outwardly I certainly feel like I am a waste, I can be renewed internally by His loving compassion and mercy.  I just have to accept it.    Why is that so hard?

Trackback URI | Comments RSS