thorninmyside

It is important to discover ways to minimize the impact of chronic illness on the other members of your household.  Yet, at the same time it is the challenges we face in life that make us stronger.  That leaves us with a delicate balance to achieve between over and under protecting our loved ones from what we deal with as a result of our illnesses on a daily basis.  While I am quick to remind you all that I am by no means an expert (just a woman living with MS) these are the things I have learned while striving for said balance for my family:

• Your family member’s are not stupid, so don’t treat them like they are.  Don’t say you’re fine when you aren’t and don’t milk your symptoms to get what you want (yes, I have done that a time or two).  Just be yourself.  Your spouse and kids will feel much more at ease if they feel like they can trust you when you say “It’s nothing, I’m okay” or “just let me be for minute”.  If you aren’t honest with them, then communication can become very difficult and everyone is going to feel misunderstood and even used.
• There are things that children do not need to know specifics about, such as finances and treatments.  My tweens know generally that my care is expensive and that means that, at times, they will not be getting the latest gadget or video game.  But, they do not need to know the extent of our financial situation.  They have enough things to worry about, the biggest being navigating adolescence!
• Resist the temptation to downplay or minimize your loved one’s physical issues.  Sometimes, when my hubby complains about a shoulder aching or being tired, I am soooo tempted to say “shut up, whiney pants!  I am always tired and something(s) always hurts”.  But, most of the time, I remember that he does not live in my body (good thing, I don’t think he could take it and he isn’t telling me about his pains to ignore mine or one up me.  He is sharing his issues with me because I am his wife and he (even when I don’t) realizes that I am not just an illness, but still his partner on this journey through life.  So, be thankful for those moments and treasure them.
• When you lash out in anger, snap at your kids, cry at the drop of a hat or sleep through dinner- apologize.  Not for your illness (since that is beyond your control) but for your behavior- which you can control.  Acknowledge when you are taking out your overall crankiness on your family and let them know you are aware and trying not to do that.  That will go a long way in easing resentment and the feeling that they have to walk on eggshells around you.
• Plan your day so you are at your best when your family is around.  For instance, I am at my best in the morning but my kids are at school and my hubby is at work.  So, I try (even when I don’t feel like it) to take a nap before they return home so that I am refreshed and ready to be the best mom and wife I can be for the few hours each day I get to spend with them.
• One of the most important things is to not let the Devil whisper in your ear that you are a burden and a problem to your family.  They love you and they need you.  Becoming ill does not change that.  In fact, in many ways it intesifies their need to know that you haven’t changed, even if your body and abilities have.  Remember that you are still the person you were pre-illness, but some areas of your life may need some renovation. 
• Reach out.  Don’t shut them out just because you don’t want to bother them.  My eleven year old is the best hug giver.  It blesses him to hug me when I am feeling down as much as it blesses me to be hugged.  Let them do what they can and let that be a blessing to all.

 What are some ways that you manage your illness as it relates to your loved ones?  Share it with me in the comment section below.

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